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The power of imagination makes us infinite. Keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out. A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.
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Brains are awesome I wish everybody had one.
My brain is like The Bermuda Triangle... Information goes in and then
it's never found again.
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A man goes to library and asks for a book on Suicide......... Librarian looks at him and says: "hello.. who will return the book ? "
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How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut
!
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What key won't open any door? A turkey.
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A turtle loses his shell; is he naked or homeless ?
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How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.
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Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus
?
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Stop saying that marriage is "just a piece of paper". So is money, but you still get up every day and work hard for it.
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Make your marriage more awesome than your wedding. Marriage is a workshop, where husband works and wife shops.
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People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any
!
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You can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic. Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't
expect it back.
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Best friends buy you food, true friends pay the bill, but fake friends eat your food.
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Whoever said that money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.
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If shopping doesn't make you happy then you're in
the wrong shop.
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A lady in front of me at the dollar store paid for my items.
I paid for the man behind me, and he left $10 with the cashier because there
was no one behind him !
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A woman went
shopping. At the cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a
TV remote
in her purse. He couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today
.........
The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased. Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper what is he doing. He said your husband has blocked your credit card .........
Guy walks out of the restroom... Girl says: "Sir your garage door is open... Guy asks: "Did
you see my Harley"... Girl says: "No, I saw a mini bike with two flat
tires".
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Adam and Eve were the first ones to ignore Apple's terms and conditions.
Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the snake, and the snake didn't have a leg to stand on.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves ?
They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late.
Tech Support:
"I need you to
right-click
on the Open Desktop."
Customer:
"Ok."
Tech Support:
"Did you get a pop-up
menu
?"
Customer:
"No."
Tech Support:
"Ok. Right click again. Do you see a
pop-up menu
?"
Customer:
"No."
Tech Support:
"Ok, sir. Can you tell me what
you have done up until this point
?"
Customer:
"Sure,
you told me to
write
"click"
and I wrote "click".
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl
Alt Delete' and start all over ?
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand:
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED, but there is:
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are
FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED
!
A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my
alarm clock keeps trying to break us up. I keep calm and turn it off and on again !
The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep.
Every morning you have two choices: continue to
sleep with your dreams, or wake up and chase them.
Man has his will; woman has her way. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man !
When a man makes more money, he feels like he wants
more women; but when a woman makes more money, she feels like she doesn't
need a man.
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men
marry women hoping they will not. Having a wife is part of living, but living with wife is the art of living. A good husband makes a good wife.
No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing. The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Laughing at our own mistakes can lengthen our own life; laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my
credit cards.
A thief stole my wife's credit card. But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.
A thief broke into my house last night….. He
started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.
My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.
If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive. If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid.
When you learn how much you're worth, don't settle for average. You'll stop giving people discounts. And make sure to add tax.
Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe. I may be wrong, but it's highly unlikely.
When nothing goes right... goes left. The right thing with the wrong motive, is the wrong thing. Give your hands to serve and your hearts to love.
10 years ago we had Steve
Jobs, Bob
Hope, and Johnny
Cash. Now we have no Jobs, no Hope, and no
Cash .....
They say with age comes wisdom. Therefore, I don't have wrinkles. I have wise cracks.
If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
My mother always used to say: The older you get, the
better you get, unless you’re a banana.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Life's too mysterious to take it too serious.
I’m old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. People say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.
Life is trying things to see if they work. If I am ever on life support, unplug me... Then plug me back in. See if that works ?
They say, "Don't try this at home". So I am coming over to your house to try it.
Life does not come with instructions on how to live. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never frequent beauty shops that don’t have mirrors. They have something to hide.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of
all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist invents the airplane; the
pessimist invents the parachute.
The journey is never ending. It's never too late to reinvent yourself. Life
is constantly changing. Dreams don't have an expiration. It is never too late to be what you might have been.
Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. Laugh while you still have teeth. Don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
As we get older, three things happen. The first is our
memory goes, and we can’t remember the
other two.
Wine gets better with age I get better with wine. You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Life is short and so am I. If you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique.
Just like everyone else. Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double.
People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys. Trying to make sense of crazy will make you crazy.
Don't get me started, I don't come with brakes. I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition...
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist
it. I try not to laugh at my own jokes but you all know I'm hilarious.
If you don't laugh at my jokes then I will. You laugh because you
think it's a joke. I laugh because you think I'm joking.
Nothing is interesting if you're not interested. Time is money, I cannot afford to waste my time. I need a new friend. The last one escaped. He couldn't handle me even if I came with instructions. Finally I realized, I was never asking for too much, I was just asking the wrong person.
Do You Know Me ?
